Life sucks then we're dead.

As a vain attempt to comfort me, many people have said "Life sucks and then you're dead." I just can't believe that how life SHOULD be. 

Why are we here, alive, just to suffer? I think we're supposed to be on this earth to be happy, and that's what I tell myself to why suicide is not the answer. Happiness is difficult to come by, and even more difficult to hold onto, but its worth all of the shit we have to endure in life. Happiness is like a glow that comes from within and slowly fills up your entire body. Fleeting as it may be, that stable, warm light is much better than any mania I've ever experienced. Mania is like a rollercoaster: fast, exciting, but you don't want to ride it forever. Happiness is like a hug: safe, comforting, and most of all stable, like an anchor. 

I've had a bad couple of weeks (surprise surprise), but I'm starting to realize that although I am depressed, its not all the illness. I have some responsibility, and although it may be near impossible, I need to get off of my butt and do something with my life. The first step is of course making sure I take my meds everyday. 

Coping is NOT living.

When I heard someone say this the other day, I almost broke down crying. This simple 4 word statement resonates so much with my life, I just had to share. 

So many people in my life tell me that I "just have to get through the next day". What they don't understand, that this makes me feel terrible. I don't want to just get through life. Just surviving the day sounds like a terrible way to go through life. I want to live, not just be alive. I want to love, succeed, be happy, and have new experiences. I want life to be an adventure. Merely surviving, to me, sounds worse than death. One day at a session with a therapist at my school I asked him if I could ever actually be free to live. He understood what I was asking and answered point blank that many in my position will live their lives just getting through the day. Even though that wasn't exactly about my specific situation, I understood what he was implying. I never went back to another session with him after that. I need someone to tell me that everything will be alright. I need for people to believe that I can accomplish more than survival, that I can thrive. I need hope. Without hope, I start heading toward depression, which no one ever wants to experience. 

We all need a little hope to remind us that we are so much more than beings that just exist. We have so much to offer, and although each of us has our own obstacles to overcome, we all have the potential to be great. Coping is not living, and everyone deserves to truly live.

Med change

So quite a bit has changed in the past few weeks. The big one is that I changed meds. I am now on Abilify, and so far, so good. Instead of making me tired all the time, like the Risperdal did, Abilify gives me energy and makes me a little wired. Sometimes its a little too much energy, and makes me incredibly impatient. Also, at first it was difficult to control my anger, but that's getting better now. But the pros of Abilify definitely outweigh the cons. Haven't struggled with weight gain at all (have actually lost some weight), am productive most of the time, and just feel like myself again. Here's to hoping everything continues to work out!

Telling the Truth

Going in to see my psychiatrist tomorrow... let's see how this goes.

I have always had a problem telling the truth to my doctors. It isn't that I don't want to get better or something like that, it's that I'm scared of admitting certain things. I already hate appointments. I hate going in to speak to someone I barely know and talking about everything that hurts me and everything that I do wrong. It's exhausting and very unpleasant. And over the past few years I have made a lot of progress, but it is still hard for me to admit certain things. So I lie. And bend the truth in a way that hides what I'm not comfortable talking about. I understand how wrong this is, but I have always been about self-preservation. That probably has to do with my paranoia. (Ironically, my paranoia is what I never talk about). But I'm at a tipping point, and a window has been opened. I think I'm at a place where I can actually tell the truth. It isn't because I'm in a good place, not at all. I'm exhausted and frustrated enough that I just don't care that much. I don't know how long I'll be like this, but hopefully I still have it in me tomorrow for my appointment. Wish me luck!

Verge of a breakdown

So I'm sure everyone who has read any of my entries thus far can surmise, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. On Monday, my school hosted a student panel of mental illness sufferers, with them talking about their struggles in an attempt to fight the stigma associated with their disorders. I felt I need to go, maybe other stories would help me in the crisis I was experiencing. Well, it did. All the personal accounts were moving, but one was special. I had met the speaker before, very briefly months ago. It was a drunk greeting on a Saturday night because the friends each of us was with knew each other. I would have never guessed what he was going through at the time. He was dealing with severe depression, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. During his presentation of his story, I started bawling. Although we do not share the exact same experiences, something he had said flipped a switch. It woke me up.

Its not because he is miraculously better or all of a sudden he leads a normal, stable life. Its because he is able to say that he is happy he is alive, at least for that day. To feel like that, even for just a day, would make the struggle seem like just maybe it might be worth it.

I think happiness is less of an achievement, something that once earned is constant, but more of an ebb and flow. Although one must constantly work toward happiness, it will never be constant, and sometimes come and go for no reason. But when you do find yourself happy, we have to cherish it, and let its afterglow light the way through a dark night if it follows.

This is not how I thought my life would be.

When I was in kindergarten, all I could do was dream of the future. I wanted to do and try everything. There were hints of mental illness even at that age, but nothing seemed unusual until about seventh grade or so. I had thought the world was open and free for me to explore, never in a million years would I have thought I would be so unhappy. I just feel like my mood and paranoia have all the control, and I, whatever I am, am at the mercy of the disturbances in my mind. And there are so many things I could be doing to make my situation better, like regularly staying on my meds and being truthful with my doctors. But I just can't. I am so afraid to ever admit anything is wrong or ask for help, that I have let all of this get out of hand. There are so many things I would have done differently in my life to cause less pain for myself, and for my family and friends. I'm just scared it may be too late to fix anything....

But I have to keep telling myself that it isn't too late. I've heard it said that hope is the only thing stronger than fear, and I pray that that's true. Because hope is the only thing that can get me through now. I have to believe that some semblance of happiness is attainable. It just has to get better. And the more I tell myself that it will get better, the more I believe it.

I going to say it now: I refuse to let a mental illness take away what is mine, my life. This disorder, though it will always influence aspects of my life, will not stop me from where I want to go. And whoever is out there reading this, should know the same goes for you. Mental illness is a brick wall in our path, but it's just an obstacle, not an impenetrable barrier. With the support of your family, friends, doctors, and others who experience mental illness, we can all make it over the wall. Sometimes people will offer their help, but many times it is up to you to reach out and ask others to support you. You don't have to do it alone, and shouldn't have to. Life is messy for everyone, mental disorder or not, but chaos doesn't negate happiness. And even if we've made mistakes, that doesn't mean its too late to take the right steps. We all have to learn to forgive ourselves, and understand life is full of second, third and fourth chances. We are not defined by what life throws at us, but by how we handle it right now. The past is the past, we can only have control over what we're doing in the present.

Hopefully someday I will believe it.

I just feel like a walking disaster...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHx-xqs3hO8