I'm having a really rough week. Scratch that, a rough couple of weeks. I just understand the point of it all. No matter how much I try, it seems that I'm always failing. I really try a lot with school, but I can never accomplish what I think I'm capable of accomplishing. I can't get out of bed many days, I lay there and cry instead. Or sometimes I get down to the classroom or lecture hall and can't make myself to go in, so I sit outside and wait for class to finish. I don't know what's wrong with me! I just become consumed with anxiety of all the ways being in class can go horribly wrong. Maybe college is just too much for me right now. But I can't possibly do something else because that would mean that I'm not in fact a completely functioning member of society. I just wish I didn't have a mental illness, and just have normal worries and concerns. I think I'm falling apart, but I'm scared to tell anyone. They'll just tell me that maybe taking a break is what would be best for me, even though that would just lead to more depression. I'm just so lost and am feeling completely alone. Is there anyone out there who understands?
I can relate. I grew up with two severely depressed divorced parents. The desire for it all to end, along with suicidal thoughts started when I was in 6th grade. I didn't really expect to be alive past high school. Shortly after graduating, I was given oxycontin (very powerful drug) for pain relief after having my wisdom teeth taken out. What ensued was a delerious month of euphoria which ended up landing me in a psychiatric hospital. Apparently bipolar disorder runs in my mothers side of the family. Ever since then I have been prone to wild mood swings as opposed to just depression.
ReplyDeleteI've also had some issues with pain killers. Addiction runs in the family, so I've always been scared of what could happen. And I can definitely relate to thinking I wouldn't make it past high school. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced suicidal thoughts can understand how scary, yet relieving that thought is. Thank you for sharing, it really means a lot!
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ReplyDeleteI have had mixed results with medications. Generally not good. Feeling emotionally dry or not like myself. It's already hard enough to relate as it is..I recommend meditating. If you feel like you are drowning in frustrations-make yourself an island or oasis in meditation. A place where you can simply DECIDE what you want to feel. Leave it completely independent of the contexts of your life. That way, regardless of the situation you find yourself in you know that you have safe ground to return to. In my opinion; being able to count on an emotional comfort zone is essential. Like counting on being able to breathe. Without that reassurance we are bound to panic and flail. I wish you the best.. these past couple of weeks have been rough on me as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm 18 and in college. I have depression and from what I have experienced these past few weeks I may have bipolar disorder. I have been on a series of antidepressants that haven't worked and therapy doesnt help if you don't care that it works. I also sit outside of my classes and wait for them to end but I can't cry about it since I don't feel anything. It seems easier to sleep or watch tv than to participate in life. I'm failing my classes so I turned in my leave of absence form a few days ago. I hope a year off helps me start to talk about my issues.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me happy to see you articulate what's going on in your life so well. It may suck what you are going through but you seem to be able to talk about it. I also saw your video and found that it gave me hope. Thanks for these posts.
Thanks for sharing! It means a lot to hear from others who are going through something similar. The hardest thing about struggling with school has been that most people just don't understand. They don't get how difficult attending class is, or how when you're having a bad couple of days, its near impossible to get any work done or care enough about the work to get it done. And maybe some time off will help you; I wish you all the best. Stay strong.
DeleteGuys!!! I related to you both, because I`ve lived EXACTLY the same things few years ago. I took one-year-break and start another "major" .(I don't know how to explain this, here in Argentina education system is different). One therapists said once that I wasn't going to be able to finish my major, that I wasn't gonig to be able to study, but guess what??? I have 1 year and a half left to graduate in bussines administration. IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE. It just takes time to found your own time, YOUR OWN RHYTHM. It's not easy at all. I had panic attacks, I broke the door of furniture with a kick, few suicidal attempts, and a month in a mental health institution. All that living only with my brother,124 millas (200km) from my parents. Anyway, it's an every-day-fight. Well, it's late here (1:19 am), so I better get going to bed. I hope this will serve. Sorry about my english. xoxo. Lu
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