Self Medication and Self Identity

Self medicating- always sounds like a terrible idea, until you try it.

I've always had issues with the psych meds that have been prescribed to me and alter my dosage depending on what my day looks like. I'm on Risperdal, which makes me super tired and gain weight (ugh the worst :/). But it also alters my personality a little bit. By that I mean that it makes me more rational (which is good), but being rational makes me more aware of people around me. In school, it makes giving presentations and other meetings difficult because of anxiety. When I'm not on meds, I don't give a sh*t about what other people think of me in that way (at least when I'm manic), so presentations are easier. I'll plan ahead and stop taking my meds strategically so I'll be off them for stuff like that. Not smart, I know. But I keep doing it...

Messing with my prescription is one thing, bad but not too bad unless I've been off too long and get out of control. What has been a little bit more frightening is my self-medicating with other substances-- namely alcohol. I'm a college student, drinking is just part of the experience, right? Most of the time I'm fine, can control myself and drink responsibly. But every so often, I drink for the WRONG reasons, to numb the pain or create a false sense of happiness. Looking back, it doesn't even really work that well, it usually just makes me feel worse, but I continue to do it. I just feel so empty. Well, not exactly. I feel like there's a giant hole in my chest that's filled with a chaotic mess of emotions. I don't know what I'm feeling most of the time (which I assume is a mixed mood?),  and I don't know if what I'm feeling is real and rational, or just another episode of bipolar symptoms.

I guess that's the heart of the matter. I don't know who I am. And I'm scared the best parts of me aren't actually me, but the disease. I feel like if I could post on facebook what my relationship status with my illness, it would be "it's complicated with Bipolar". I'm just incredibly confused. I would say I miss knowing myself, that I miss some semblance of sanity, but those are things which I don't think I've ever known... I guess the best way to describe how I'm feeling is like Peter Pan when he's separated from his shadow. I just want to be me and know me, but there's a piece of my soul missing, covered and convoluted by all of this bipolar garbage. I'm having trouble finding my shadow.