This is not how I thought my life would be.

When I was in kindergarten, all I could do was dream of the future. I wanted to do and try everything. There were hints of mental illness even at that age, but nothing seemed unusual until about seventh grade or so. I had thought the world was open and free for me to explore, never in a million years would I have thought I would be so unhappy. I just feel like my mood and paranoia have all the control, and I, whatever I am, am at the mercy of the disturbances in my mind. And there are so many things I could be doing to make my situation better, like regularly staying on my meds and being truthful with my doctors. But I just can't. I am so afraid to ever admit anything is wrong or ask for help, that I have let all of this get out of hand. There are so many things I would have done differently in my life to cause less pain for myself, and for my family and friends. I'm just scared it may be too late to fix anything....

But I have to keep telling myself that it isn't too late. I've heard it said that hope is the only thing stronger than fear, and I pray that that's true. Because hope is the only thing that can get me through now. I have to believe that some semblance of happiness is attainable. It just has to get better. And the more I tell myself that it will get better, the more I believe it.

I going to say it now: I refuse to let a mental illness take away what is mine, my life. This disorder, though it will always influence aspects of my life, will not stop me from where I want to go. And whoever is out there reading this, should know the same goes for you. Mental illness is a brick wall in our path, but it's just an obstacle, not an impenetrable barrier. With the support of your family, friends, doctors, and others who experience mental illness, we can all make it over the wall. Sometimes people will offer their help, but many times it is up to you to reach out and ask others to support you. You don't have to do it alone, and shouldn't have to. Life is messy for everyone, mental disorder or not, but chaos doesn't negate happiness. And even if we've made mistakes, that doesn't mean its too late to take the right steps. We all have to learn to forgive ourselves, and understand life is full of second, third and fourth chances. We are not defined by what life throws at us, but by how we handle it right now. The past is the past, we can only have control over what we're doing in the present.

Hopefully someday I will believe it.